How (NOT) to Win an Argument

(Submitted by Mitch Greene)

Take a second to imagine the last time you felt that you won an argument. It’s a pretty good feeling. The interaction happened so fast but sometimes you know just the perfect thing to say at the moment to be completely triumphant. Unfortunately, no matter how good it felt or how stunned the opponent was by your perfectly constructed contention, you have never won an argument.

In fact, outside of debate class and settings like it, no one has ever won an argument, period. Here’s why.

When people are at odds, most will default to natural instincts (fight or flight), and those who want to “win” always choose to fight. This happens in a consistent line of actions I call DOME. (Design, Obsess, Misfire, Explode.)

Let me give you an example.

A good friend and colleague of mine has always been a very passionate worker. This is a great quality but occasionally can come off as domineering. Altercations are common in her world. After a conflict, she would come to me to discuss her frustrations and how she planned to turn the situation around.

This is where problems start to arise.

Remember DOME? Well, my colleague was a professional arguer and used this method to a T. She would take time to mentally design the next argument she already expected to have. She would obsess over what she thought would be said and how she could respond perfectly so that the conversation would flow exactly how she expected, weaving together a theoretical argument that she’d easily win.

Unfortunately, communication doesn’t exist in a bubble and things don’t always go according to plan. When the initial plan goes out the window because something unexpected was said or otherwise (here’s our misfire), it leaves room for impulsive responses fueled by emotions, or in other words, an explosion. You can imagine the rest.

The funny thing is that the problem is never the plan, bad predictions, or even a lack of emotional control. The problem is the perspective of conflict; that it requires a winner and a loser.

Here’s the truth: Successful communication is, by its nature, collaborative. It is a team sport. You either lose together or win together. That last time you “won” an argument, what did you actually win from it?

If a conflict feels like it ended with one winner and one loser, it ended with two losers, and nothing good was accomplished.

With collaboration, two communicators win together, and the issue is resolved.