I Don't Matter

(Contributed by Mitch Greene)

A while back I started a new job at a banquet hall. I was fifteen at the time and slightly shy, but having the father I do, I was pushed to be confident and walk in on my first day like I was eager for a strong start. When I walked in with my “go get it” attitude, I looked at the chef, took a deep breath, and marched right up to him with my chest puffed up. I quickly stuck out my hand and said, probably a little too aggressively, “Hi there, I’m Mitch Greene. I look forward to working with you.” I kid you not, he looked at my hand for a few seconds then moved to my eyes with a blank face and said literally nothing. At this point, my confidence was shattered. I went through the rest of my first day feeling very shy and miserable because of my perception of what happened.

Here is what I didn’t understand at the time: I don’t matter. I do…but I don’t.

Most people think about communications backward. When they speak, they think about how they intend their words to be taken, and when they listen, they think about how they received the message. This thinking is flawed because it completely lacks empathy – it is about us, not them. I assumed that my message would be taken a specific way, and when it wasn’t, I gave up. If I would have thought about how he was taking my message, I might have been able to understand his response and maybe even adjust in time to save the introduction.

I can tell you now that it was because his hands were dirty from cooking, and he didn’t want to get mine dirty too. He didn’t mean any disrespect at all. My perspective was flawed. When he didn’t shake my hand, I immediately thought he completely rejected me, and I didn’t even take the time to think about what else it may have been.

When we speak, we need to think about how each specific person may take what we’re saying. When we are listening, we need to think about how they intend their message to be taken based on who they are. Use your knowledge and experience and if you don’t know the person, that’s okay! Learn as you go. Be perceptive and learn how to customize your communication.

So, let’s think about the story we tell ourselves about others when we’re trying to communicate. There are all kinds of assumptions and narratives in our heads that drive our interpretation of the other person’s reaction to us.

The story I told myself upon meeting the chef was completely wrong. Fortunately, we developed a relationship over time, and he became a good friend and mentor.